"You should be ashamed of yourself! You shouldn’t be here.” The words were loud, and in front of people I love and care for. People who should never have to deal with that kind of ugly. Shame, now beckoned, rose up like a flash flood inside of me, followed by waves of shock and anger, and the confusion of not understanding the whys behind the outburst.
Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. My first words were a reaction: “You should be ashamed for doing this!” But as the next round of beratement came my way, I knew I needed to grab hold of Jesus and not give the enemy the satisfaction of continuing in this vein of ugly.
Man, is it hard when broken people lash out! It’s that driver who cuts you off and then yells at you! It’s the friend who suddenly flips on you, refuses to explain why, or makes unreasonable demands you can’t or shouldn’t have to meet. It could be the boss who throws you under the bus to save face or takes credit for your hard work or ideas. Or the person who isn’t interested in a true discussion or debate; it’s all about proving their point or “winning.”
These days, there is so much of that around! It’s not enough to agree to disagree. For some people, you must agree with them or you’re the enemy. And that’s hard to deal with!
Jesus, of course, had a great solution for how to resolve conflict in Matthew 18. Go and talk with the person one-on-one first. Try to talk through and resolve your conflict together. If not and they’re open to it, bring in a neutral third party to try and help. The goal is to land on unity.
I am reminded of Romans 12:17-18 when Paul says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
But sadly, it isn’t always possible. Hurt people hurt people. That’s a reality Paul knew all too well. So he continues on in Romans 12:19-21:
Again, my loved ones, do not seek revenge; instead, allow God’s wrath to make sure justice is served. Turn it over to Him. For the Scriptures say, ‘Revenge is Mine. I will settle all scores.’ But consider this bit of wisdom: ‘If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink; because if you treat him kindly, it will be like heaping hot coals on top of his head.’ Never let evil get the best of you; instead, overpower evil with good.”
Can I just say this is hard? Because it is, no question! But here’s the other side of that coin. I’ve seen the blessings that come from offering up a horrible situation to God, especially the kind I have no control over, and I’ve seen my Creator go to work and do miracles. Changing situations I thought unchangeable. Bringing healing where I never believed it could come.
I’ve also learned that we are fallen people with fallen thoughts. Myself included! That means that even believers, who are working on transforming their thinking for the good and right, will struggle with their words from time to time.
I think of Brene Brown in her amazing book, *Rising Strong*. She shares about the stories we tell ourselves about others, stories that are often far from the truth. Brene explains, “Storytelling helps us all impose order on chaos—including emotional chaos. When we're in pain, we create a narrative to help us make sense of it. This story doesn't have to be based on any real information. One dismissive glance from a coworker can instantly turn into I knew she didn't like me. I responded so defensively because when I’m in doubt, the ‘I’m not enough’ explanation is the first thing I grab. It’s like my comfy jeans—may not be flattering, but familiar.”
I don’t know the person’s story who is currently in my space with ugly words and ugly energy. I’m not sure what untrue story this person has bought into, or why in their mind’s eye this was a good choice. Or if this person will go home later with shame and regret, too proud to admit as much or back down. I just don’t know this individual's story at all, and I’ve never been invited in to hear it.
So as my brain reeled in my words, I immediately prayed, inviting the Holy Spirit in for guidance. Immediately, I thought of Ephesians 4:29: “Don’t use bad language. Say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing.”
So after the next spat of ugly words hurled my way, I simply said, “Bless you.” Another ugly volley, even as I was trying to walk away. Another, “Bless you.” Said calmly. With as much love as I could borrow from Jesus in that moment.
As I sifted through the debris of the attack afterwards, I had to decide on plausible boundaries to put into place. Boundaries that would both protect me and those I love from ungodly behavior. To decide on a reasonable course of action should my boundary be broken. To think through how to respond in a godly fashion should future attacks occur.
I’ve had to take the natural anger, hurt, and need to retaliate to the cross. To lay it all at Jesus’ feet and entrust Him to heal and take control of that which I can’t. I’ve also made the decision to pray consistently for this person’s healing. That’s really all I can do.
At the end of the day, there’s really only one person I am responsible for and have any control over: me. When broken people come my way, I am committed to taking the high road and relying on God during personal attacks. This means trusting God to handle what I can't, setting healthy boundaries, and striving to respond with grace and love, even in the face of adversity. By doing so, I open the door for healing, growth, and the possibility of transformation—not just for myself, but potentially for those around me as well. In the midst of life's challenges, I choose to rely on my faith and let God's love guide my actions, believing that good can triumph over evil when we hold fast to what is right.
FOR FURTHER THOUGHT
When you're faced with challening people and situations, here are some practical tips to face challenges with godliness.
Respond with Grace: When faced with personal attacks or harsh words, try to respond with grace and calmness. Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to pray or take a deep breath, and aim to respond in a way that reflects love and kindness.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Identify and establish boundaries that protect your well-being and relationships. Clearly define what behavior is unacceptable and decide on the steps you will take if those boundaries are crossed.
Seek Understanding: Remember that everyone has their own struggles and stories that may be influencing their behavior. Try to approach conflicts with empathy and a willingness to understand the other person's perspective, even if it isn't immediately clear.
Pray for Guidance: In moments of conflict, invite the Holy Spirit or seek divine guidance to help navigate the situation. Trust in a higher power to provide wisdom and strength to handle difficult encounters.
Focus on Personal Growth: Acknowledge that you can only control your own actions and reactions. Use conflicts as opportunities for personal growth by reflecting on how you can respond better in the future and improve your own behavior.
Embrace Forgiveness: Practice forgiveness, both for others and for yourself. Holding onto anger and resentment can be damaging, so strive to let go and offer forgiveness, even if it is difficult.
Rely on Scripture: Look to scripture or inspirational texts for guidance and comfort. Passages like Romans 12:17-21 and Ephesians 4:29 can provide valuable insights on how to handle conflicts in a godly manner.
Consistent Prayer for Others: Make it a habit to pray for those who hurt you, asking for their healing and transformation. This not only helps them but also fosters a sense of compassion and peace within yourself.
By applying these principles, you can navigate personal attacks with a stronger sense of faith, resilience, and grace.
PRAYER
Jesus, I know you endured incredible cruelty and injustice throughout your life, most especially on the cross. I know you died for me not when I had my act together, but when I was at my worst. Yet you still chose to meet me with loving kindness and grace. Praise you Lord! Help me to do the same when others treat me unfairly, remembering that our "light and momentary" troubles are preparing me for an eternal glory that will far outweight them all. In your name I pray, Amen.
ABOUT BARB LOWNSBURY
Barb is a speaker, author, and entrepreneur. She has Bachelor’s Degrees in International History and in Education, and a Master’s Degree in Education. She has spoken at conferences and taught classes throughout the U.S. about faith, relationships, leadership and courage through trial. Her book, Using What’s Broken to Boldly Shine, is a powerful read of transformation through trial. Her blogging is focused on giving people encouragement and strength for their personal journey. Barb serves as the Executive Director for The Dented Fender Ministry and runs a successful real estate and development company. She currently resides in Dayton, Ohio with her husband and blended family of seven.
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